Week 21: "Self Baptism"

Week 21:
"Self  Baptism" 


For some reason this week I had a thought running through my head of "going back to basics".  When I think of going back to basics I ask myself what are the necessary needs. I create a simple list  such as  breathing, taking one thing at a time, and stripping things down to the most rudimentary design in life.  Yet there is one basic need that I always struggle to learn-forgiving myself.


Over the course of my life I have made many indiscretions which have hurt others, but more so have hurt myself.  I find as my life fills to the brim with everyday chores and choices, the decisions which I made in my past come to haunt me, repeating the same character defects like a broken record.  Each time this happens, I begin to chastise myself for my flawed persona, instead of going back to basics of love and forgiveness.  


I was raised Catholic, and was always taught that when I was baptized, or went to confession, the sins that I had committed would be washed away.  This lesson was instilled in me from a very young age.  If I was sorry for what I did, make amends, learn from them, and forgive yourself.  My questions is-out of all the lessons I was taught as a child such as don't play with fire, the stove is hot, and look both ways before crossing-why does this lesson constantly slip my mind? 


I work at forgiving myself everyday for my daily wrongs, and forgive myself for the past.  Like a sinner wading in the water, I must constantly learn how to forgive myself.  Everyday I must dip my head into the water and give myself a self baptism.

Week 20: "The Dancer"

Week 20: 

"The Dancer"

To feel uninhibited, to not be chained to predestined ideals and total freedom of self expression was my inspiration this week.  Through my life I let other peoples views, thoughts and feelings control my self expression.  Like so many others, I even let my own insecurities also weigh down my sense of personal fulfillment.

When I watch a dancer create physical art, I am always moved.  I see each emotion poured out through every extension of the body.  Even though most artistic dances are choreographed, they still portray, in my mind, the full range of human emotion from the slightest flick of a hand to the highest kick. 

Dance can express so much, such as passion, love, hatred, sorrow, or joy.  It mesmerizes and has the  ability to let go of the world's constraints and fill the emptiness with beauty and creation.  Yet, as soon as the chains of insecurities, secrets, or outside forces lock onto our feet the momentum of this freedom is stuck.  Until we let go and express our true emotions, we will be like children dancing at our first homecoming dance; we may be moving our feet, but we just go around in circles, repeating the same motions over and over.

As long as we let the movement of our true emotions and expression flow through us, we shall not only have total freedom of our bodies, but also be able to fill the world with our own personal beauty and be able to be the dancer, free.

Week 19: "Lilith"

Week 19: "Lilith"


Brief Story of "Lilith" (from Wikipedia): 


In Jewish folkore Lilith is the name of Adam's first wife, who was created at the same time and with the same earth as Adam. She left Adam after she refused to become subservient to Adam and then would not return to the Garden of Eden after she mated with the Archangel Samuel. 


As many of my followers know, I have never used religious subject matter in my works, yet for some reason this week I was drawn to the story of Lilith.  Part of this misunderstood tale is her inner strength.  In the end, Lilith's  conviction of not being controlled  gave her strength and knowledge of herself.


In my life I have had many outside forces which made me a slave.  From relationships and addictions, to my own insecurities.  The lack of knowledge of myself caused me to be suppressed.  When I began this journey over two years ago, little did I know that I would find that inner strength.  


Inner knowledge and strength in myself did not just come in the blink of the eye, or rush over me like the wind, but it was slow, and gradual.  I found it to be a slow process of small things.  Such as simply letting others know what I was feeling and not pretending just to make that person happy.  This was one of the most important lessons I learned.  


In the tale, Lilith refuses to return to the Garden after mating with the Archangel Samuel.   To me that statement is profound.  Even though the Garden is paradise, it would not be for Lilith.  The Garden would become a cage, with Adam being the owner.  When I realized that love and knowledge of one's self is the only way to have a full life that is your own, I began the hard task of learning who I was from the inside.  Over time I will learn more and more about myself so that one day without hesitations I will say "I will not be returning to the Garden with you Adam, I have myself an Archangel."  


     

Week 18: "A Man in Perspective"

Week 18: "A Man in Perspective"

What makes a man a man?  Is there a right answer? As I add one more year to my age, and leave behind my so called "boyhood," I start to ask myself these questions.  Growing up I was always more emotional than most of my friends. Some could say more feminine in nature. Being in touch with my softer, more emotional side caused a lot of heart ache and teasing. But I always wondered why the standards of masculinity  have to be strong and unemotional. In this week's work I wanted to try a somewhat modified form of cubism.  My goal was to depict what I felt makes up the true form of a "Man".  

Humility-Being able to show the vulnerable is a true virtue in my mind. The ability to say "I am wrong, I'm sorry", and truly meaning it.  I have found that being able to do that in my everyday life has made me feel more like a man than trying to always win my way.  

Acceptance-Ready to embrace someone whether it be physically or mentally. Even though I have seen a recent trend of more men being able to be affectionate with fellow men, there still seems to be a major stigma about men touching each other.  If a man is to be strong then why not be open armed to be able to hold another man, or a woman, when that person needs to be held up?

Centered-I think a "Man" should be centered with himself and his own masculinity.  Being able to be comfortable with that inner femininity has helped to find balance in my life. Before, because of the torment of not being "masculine enough," my soul felt out of balance. But once I began to embrace that my inner femininity, my mind, body and soul began to work in harmony. I was created by a man and woman, so why not express both sides equally?  

It's my belief that it all comes down to one thing: love.  A true man knows what is right in his heart, whether it's humility, being open-hearted, or embracing both sides of the spectrum.  When I am able to love, I see what makes a true man in perspective.

Week 17: "Waiting On Completion"

Week 17: "Waiting on Completion"

      In my life I have lived with a feeling of not being whole, always waiting for something to come to fill that void. I thought I found it in a partner, in a friend, in my family. And for a dark time I thought I found it in the dark side of addiction.  Nothing could fill that void. I felt as if I was a man drawn into this life with just a basic outline.  Waiting for someone or something to come in a fill inside the lines. 


      Over the last few years I have slowly come to terms that there is nothing outside of my body that can fill me.  No force, no object can plug up the missing link in the chain.  It comes from within.  


     Total fulfillment of one's self has to come from within.  Like painting by numbers, we all have to pick up our own brush and begin to paint piece by piece with self love, self confidence and self knowledge  to finally see the full picture.  We stare into our lives and slowly see the vision become clearer bit by bit. I still have trouble dealing with the fact that it is a slow process. Until the full painting of our lives are finished, we can look at the masterpiece that is unfolding and marvel in the beauty of waiting to be completed.